4 Ways to Take Care of You (Even When Your Family Needs You)

We treat self-care like a banana peel that we can throw off the side of the highway because it will all sort itself out. 

We tell ourselves that we will get back to ourselves eventually. When things calm down. When the kids are older. When work slows down. When our partner gets better. When there is finally enough time.

But sometimes life does not calm down.

Sometimes your responsibilities change permanently.

And learning how to take care of yourself during these seasons requires something more sophisticated than simply telling yourself to “make time for self-care.”

It requires learning how to pick yourself up without dropping what you need to hold closest. 

Why Should I Put Myself First?

“Self-love is not self-indulgence. Self-love is self-respect.”— bell hooks

We take care of others because we care for them. It all starts with love. But when we live our lives neglecting ourselves, we lose the ability to carry that weight for others. 

• The caretaker who barely survives wants to quit. We are afraid to take care of ourselves because we never want to stop being the caretaker for others. We want to pour endlessly from our own cup and it is painful when we reach the bottom. 

• The caretaker who quits helps no one. Through the power of burnout, we can transform into the least effective and most unhappy version of ourselves we’ve ever seen. In our efforts to do everything, we reduce our options to only this: actually taking care of ourselves.

• The caretaker who takes care of everyone understands that everyone is all-inclusive. You are part of the group of people whose wellbeing matters. If you are the person who drives everyone to the doctor’s office, someone needs to care about whether you are sleeping. If you are the person who keeps the household running, someone needs to care about whether you are eating. If you are the person everybody calls when there is an emergency, someone needs to care about whether you have anyone to call. And if that someone is not currently another person, then for the moment, it has to be you. This is not a cute philosophical distinction. It is a practical one.

How Do I Make Time For Self-Care As A Caretaker? 

There is a reason airplane safety demonstrations tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping someone else.

It is not because you are more important than the people you could help. 

It is because it is your responsibility to handle yourself when you can. 

Meeting your own needs means never becoming a burden because you know how to accommodate yourself in a respectful way.

You cannot help when you are incapacitated. 

But once you put your own mask on, and you can finally breathe again?

This is how you truly take care of others; by taking care of yourself first.

What Do Therapists Consider To Be Self-Care? 

In advertising, self-care means it’s a little treat that you deserve. The reality of self-care is more complicated.

A therapist might define self-care like this: the practice of responding to your own needs. 

This means action (which we will go into shortly), but also recognition. You are the best judge for what you need. 

What might be a terrible chore for some is a peaceful and rejuvenating exercise for others, but beyond any personal preference, what we’re looking for is this: actionable things you can do to meet your needs.

What are some healthy examples of self-care? 

• When you’re angry… exercise to work through the big feelings that are living in your body. 

• When you’re grieving… reach out to a loved one for support by asking for a favor, making plans together, or just talking over the phone right then and there.

• When you’re disappointed… journal about it in-depth. Give yourself permission to feel your big feelings, but also try to find solutions. Feel your feelings, question why you’re having them, and make a plan to do something different in the future.

• When you’re hungry… eat something filling and nutritious. All of our negative feelings are amplified where we’re hungry because our body wants to make sure we don’t die. Our body loves us, but it needs food or it starts to feel crazy.

Why Do Parents Need Depression Treatment? 

Caretakers are not cosmic mothers exempt from need and above wanting. 

They are human beings with highs and lows and feelings to match those intensities. 

Parents can become depressed.

Partners can become depressed.

People who are deeply grateful for their lives can become depressed.

Being needed does not immunize you against suffering, it just makes your suffering easier to hide.

Does Self-Care Look Different For Men?

Men struggle with self-care because we are taught that it’s unimportant. 

We are taught how to push through, survive, struggle, and endure. We are often very good at these things. So good, in fact, that it makes the process of acknowledging that we need care excruciating. 

But it is not a given fact of being a man.

Strength is not the absence of need.

Sometimes strength is becoming responsible for your needs before they become someone else’s emergency.

Self-care for men looks like:

• Paying attention to our feelings and sharing them with others.
• Setting and upholding boundaries that align with our true values. 
• Not ignoring pain in our minds and bodies. 
• Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with our friends, family, and loved ones.
• Going to therapy when we need it.

4 Counselor-Approved Ways To Take Care Of Yourself Right Now

You have been neglected. At first, by others, but eventually by yourself too. That was painful, and the wound feels new again each time you touch it. But the wound will only heal when you take care of it, even though sometimes we are so wounded by neglect that we feel helpless.

Despite this, self-care is what heals us when we feel helpless. We cannot heal our wound in a day, but we can apply fresh bandages right now, and give it the patience to heal with time. 

Self-care is not about becoming invulnerable. It is about becoming someone you can rely on.

So let’s do it. Let’s get you taken care of, and let’s start right now. Realizing that something needs to change can be painful, but it is also a new beginning. 

Learn How To Self-Soothe With All 5 Senses

You are responsible for knowing how to calm yourself down.

When you are overwhelmed, your first job is not necessarily to solve your entire life.

Sometimes, your first job is to get your nervous system somewhere safer.

Your senses can become a surprisingly powerful tool.

Notice what you can see.

What you can hear.

What you can touch.

What you can smell.

What you can taste.

You are not trying to make every problem disappear.

You are reminding your body that you are here, now, and capable of taking care of yourself.

Curb Your Negative Self-Talk 

You are responsible for how you speak to yourself. If you are already exhausted, berating yourself for being exhausted is unlikely to make you more capable. Try asking yourself a simple question: Would I speak this way to someone I love? 

Self-compassion is not an excuse to abandon your responsibilities. It is a way of becoming someone you can actually rely on when things are difficult. You do not need another person inside your head telling you that you aren’t doing enough. You need someone who can recognize that you are doing your best and help you figure out what to do next.

Therapy Teaches Us That Gratitude Is A Skill

Gratitude does not mean pretending that everything is okay. You can be grateful for your family and still be exhausted by them. You can love your partner and still need more support. You can appreciate your life and still wish something were different. 

Gratitude becomes useful when it expands your perspective rather than silencing your pain. You don’t have to deny what hurts in order to notice what is good.

How Therapists Use Rituals For Self-Care

When life becomes chaotic, your own needs are often the first things to disappear. This is why rituals can be so powerful. A morning walk, a weekly phone call with a friend, journaling before bed, making art, sitting quietly with your coffee—these small acts give self-care a permanent place in your life. You don’t need to rebuild your entire life before you can take care of yourself. You need something small enough to do again tomorrow. Ritual turns self-care from something you intend to do into something you actually do.

Start Taking Care Of Yourself

This isn’t sad. 

It doesn’t need to be. 

This can be the part where it starts to get better. 

You may not be able to change everything that is demanding your attention, and you may not be able to fill your cup every day. But you can stop pretending that you aren’t part of the equation. 

Take a breath, then show yourself you care by continuing to breathe. 

Say: “I am worthy of being taken care of.” 

Then, let’s do it again tomorrow.

Want to bring creativity and play into your family? Quinn created a free six-week Therapeutic Art Series to help you do just that. Each week, you’ll receive a new art-based prompt to explore with your child, with space to connect, experiment, play, and express yourselves together.

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Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.