How To Speak Kindly To Yourself

Speaking kindly to others is something most of us understand implicitly. Most of the time, even children understand how important it is to treat our fellow human beings with gentleness and compassion, but for some reason we exclude ourselves from the category of human being. It truly starts in childhood. We see a loved one insult their own body, mistake, or character, and it becomes normal to us. We imitate the behaviors we see in our caretakers until it becomes a habit. Negative self-talk is more than just a symptom, it’s a psychological epidemic. So what can we do to treat it?

What Does It Mean To Speak Kindly To Yourself? 

Cultivating an attitude of kindness towards yourself is a life-changing adjustment. It’s easy to say that we want to be kinder to ourselves, but harder to quantify exactly that would look like. Fighting back against negative self-talk means taking just a few vital steps like: 

• Using Opposite Action. When you’ve recognized an unhelpful pattern of behavior, the best medicine is steer in the opposite direction. This DBT tool is a lifesaver when your instincts are leading you astray. 
• Going Easy On Yourself. Going easy on yourself means giving yourself the compassion we more often give to others. Being kind to yourself means offering yourself gentleness, sweetness, and even forgiveness.
• Talking Back To Your Inner Critic. It can be challenging to hold compassion for ourselves, especially if the voices we heard growing up harshly criticized us. Even with the best intentions, we can end up becoming our own harshest critic.

Why Should You Speak Gently To Yourself? 

By letting go of your negative patterns of self-talk, you’re freeing up that space in your mind to do any number of constructive new activities. The benefits of holding compassion and speaking kindly to yourself are too numerous for me to feel confident in putting together a complete list, so here are just a few: 

• You won’t feel as anxious. So much of the anxiety we carry with us is as a result of the stories we tell to ourselves. By changing the tone of that story, you can let go of some of your anxiety.
• You won’t feel as judgmental. Oftentimes the judgements we make on others are reflective of the things we judge ourselves for. Ergo, when we stop judging ourselves, we don’t feel as inclined to judge others.
• You will find it easier to let go of the past. It’s hard to let go of the past when there’s a little voice in your head lingering on it. By talking back to that little voice, you can start moving on from the events you would once dwell on.
• You will find it more difficult to self-sabotage. When we don’t hold space for ourselves, it’s hard to see the value in our own success. When we let go of the negative judgements we pass on ourselves, it’s harder to fall into a pattern of self-sabotage.

How Do You Speak Kindly To Yourself?

Speaking kindly to yourself is a practice, and it can feel awkward at first. But like any skill, it gets easier with time. 

• Self-compassion over self-praise: While compliments are nice, self-compassion is more about understanding and supporting yourself during challenges.
• Reframe the negativity: Instead of dwelling on the negative, try to reframe it in a more supportive way. For instance, change “I messed up” to “Everyone makes mistakes, what can I learn from this?”
• Focus on progress, not perfection: We all make mistakes, but it’s important to acknowledge your efforts. Instead of “I should have done better,” try “I’m getting better at this, and that’s what matters.”

 If you feel stuck on your healing journey, working with a therapist can help. Based on your needs, our intake specialist will help you get matched up with your perfect therapist. Click here to schedule a consultation.

Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.