Grief: Feel It, Don’t Run From It

Grief. It is the great infectious sickness that accompanies death in all its forms. We can run as much as we’d like, but it always catches up with us. As we process our losses, it can feel like something that we need to escape with the urgency we’d attend to a hot brand on our skin. And yet, grief seems to be the greatest medicine yet discovered that can mend the despair in a broken heart. 

Grief looks different for different people. Even if you have experience with sadness and loss, who you are and what you’re grieving can make the process of healing wildly vary at different times in your life. It isn’t easy to work through it on your own. We must take accountability for our grief, while also giving ourselves the space to feel our unstifled sensitivities without dissociation or unnecessary self-judgment.

“You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.” — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

How Does Our Upbringing Change Our Grief? 

Our most prominent models and teachers when it comes to grief are our families. We see our parents and caretakers grieve in the ways they know how, and then follow their example. 

All children are eventually introduced to loss, but some are fated to wait until their adulthood to process it.

• Our first experiences with grief happen in childhood. We experience the loss of a childhood home, grandparent, or beloved pet. This can be highly emotional and even traumatic, but perhaps more important than the event itself is the way that the adults in our lives help us to process our grief. As children who are grieving, we process our grief by talking about our feelings with people we feel safe around. The container that this experience was put into by our caretakers is a huge factor in how we process our grief (or not).
• We learn to grieve from our parents. If our caregivers were emotionally available, we may have learned that sadness is survivable. We may have learned that tears are not a sign of weakness, that asking for comfort is not a burden, and that difficult feelings eventually pass. If our caregivers dismissed, minimized, or punished emotional expression, we may have learned to fear grief itself. If we never truly saw our parents grieve in a healthy way, who were we supposed to learn from?

• An incompetent teacher prolongs the process of learning. The ways our families handle loss often become the ways we handle loss until we consciously choose something different. Even if we could turn back the clock, we could not forcibly change the actions of our parents. And so, if our teachers cannot teach us, the responsibility falls on us. 

“What was silent in the father speaks in the son, and often I found in the son the unveiled secret of the father.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

How Can I Tell When I Need To Grieve? 

When we need to process a complex feeling like grief, it is our mission to listen to what our body is telling us. Although it is tempting to numb the overwhelming sensation of grief, we are also ignoring our body’s signals on how to feel better. In the process of running from our discomfort, we only prolong it.

When we tune into the symptomatic sensations of grief, we can treat our minds and bodies with the sensitivity they need to heal. 

You’re Focusing On Others For Anxiety Relief 

One of the most common ways that people avoid grief is by becoming consumed with someone else’s problems. We worry about our partner’s future, our children’s wellbeing, our friend’s difficult relationship, or the latest catastrophe on the news. While caring for others is noble, it can also become a socially acceptable way to avoid ourselves.

If you notice that your attention is always pointed outward, ask yourself a difficult question: “What feeling am I avoiding by focusing on everyone else?” 

You’re Leaning On Substances For Depression Relief

Grief is uncomfortable. It asks us to sit with uncertainty, helplessness, regret, longing, and love. Naturally, many people seek relief.

Alcohol, cannabis, compulsive eating, shopping, gambling, endless scrolling, overworking, and even excessive exercise can become methods of emotional anesthesia. While these strategies may offer temporary relief, they often delay the grieving process rather than resolve it.

In our numbness, our grief is brought to a standstill, mostly for the worse. When we reach for a substance to handle our grief, we’re choosing not to reach for the things that will genuinely help us longterm.

You’re Experiencing More Intense Symptoms From Seemingly Unrelated Conditions

The psychological anguish of grief is not confined to sadness. Often, grief presents itself through an intensified version of what we’re already feeling, whether that’s an emotion or a pain in our body. 

It often appears through anxiety, insomnia, digestive problems, chronic tension, irritability, fatigue, brain fog, and difficulty concentrating. Existing mental health challenges may suddenly feel more intense or more difficult to manage.

Many people seek therapy for anxiety relief or depression relief only to discover that unresolved grief is sitting quietly underneath both experiences.

What Is Disenfranchised Grief And How Does A Counselor Help? 

Not all grief is treated equally.

Some losses are publicly acknowledged and supported. When a close family member dies, people send flowers, offer condolences, and understand why you are struggling.

Other losses receive no such recognition.

Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that society does not fully validate. This may include the end of a relationship, infertility, miscarriage, estrangement from family, loss of a career, loss of health, loss of faith, or the death of a beloved pet.

The pain is real, but because others do not recognize it, people often feel pressured to hide it.

A counselor helps create a space where no type of grief has to defend itself.

Are There Different Types Of Grieving?

Yes, and each has a different set of expectations (both personal and societal) that change the way that grief gets expressed.

Many people think of grief as something that happens after a death, but grief accompanies countless forms of change throughout our lives.

Needing Therapy While You Mourn A Relationship. 

The end of a relationship is often the death of a future.

When relationships end, we do not only lose the person. We lose shared routines, imagined possibilities, inside jokes, plans, traditions, and a version of ourselves that existed within that connection.

Relationship grief can be especially difficult because the object of our grief is still alive. Others may encourage us to simply move on, but healing rarely follows a schedule.

Therapy can help people process heartbreak without becoming trapped by it.

Seeking Grief Counseling For The Death of a Pet.

Anyone who has loved an animal understands that the relationship is profound.

Pets witness our routines, comfort us during loneliness, and offer a kind of acceptance that can feel difficult to find elsewhere. Their presence becomes woven into the structure of everyday life.

When they die, people often lose a companion, a source of emotional regulation, and a member of their family.

The grief that follows deserves to be taken seriously.

Finding A Therapist When A Loved One Has A Terminal Illness. 

There is nothing more exhausting than the arduous ordeal of preparing for grief. 

When a loved one has a terminal illness, people often begin grieving before a death has occurred. This experience is known as anticipatory grief.

You may feel sadness for what is coming, guilt for feeling that sadness, fear about the future, gratitude for the time that remains, and exhaustion from carrying all of those emotions simultaneously.

It’s natural to need support, and a therapist can be the most qualified person to offer it

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by emotions or  stuck on your healing journey, you don’t have to navigate it alone. 

Our intake specialist will take the time to understand your needs and connect you with a therapist who is the right fit. 

Schedule your free 15-minute consultation.

Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.