Within society, we all try to match certain archetypes with our behavior. Nowhere is this more apparent than with men, who are all fervently auditioning for the role of “Man”. In this mad hustle to affirm our own masculinity, even thoughtful or empathetic men can wind up harming themselves or the people close to them. Whether you’re a man coming to terms with your own masculinity, or you’re trying to understand the men in your life, it can be hard to break through toxic masculinity. However, it can certainly be done.

What Is The Root Cause of Toxic Masculinity? 

Toxic masculinity happens when men feel culturally pressured to behave in a way that damages themselves or others. This cultural pressure can vary from community to community, and its effects can vary from person to person. If you’re a man, think about where in your life you have felt these pressures the most intensely. If you’re not a man, and you’re seeking to understand why the men in your life can behave so strangely, think about how these elements could factor in. 

• His Childhood. Oftentimes, men are bullied from a young age into burying their sadness, tenderness, and playfulness. Some of the most deeply upheld expressions of toxic masculinity are the ones taught in childhood, and enforced by a fear of being excluded by other men. 

• His Family. The people who can most vividly enforce the limitations of toxic masculinity are the ones within your own family unit. I know there are people in the back that have been screaming the words “daddy issues” since they read the word family, and there’s a lot of truth in that. After all, men first learn about the archetype of masculinity from their father. But toxic masculinity isn’t exclusively enforced by fathers. Men can just as easily get a warped idea about masculinity from any authority figure in their life. It could be coming from an older sibling, a grandparent, or even a mother. 

• His Relationship To Femininity. From an early age, men are socialized to fear appearing feminine. And it’s not enough to just wear masculine clothes, play some sports, and call it a day. Just being affectionate, or being emotional can often get a boy ostracized, or labeled with homophobic slurs. As a result, many men give up on any aspect of themselves that could be labeled as feminine. 

Who Does Toxic Masculinity Affect? 

In a very real way, toxic masculinity impacts all of us. It often lays its hands on us in subtle ways. When we think about the impact of toxic masculinity, it’s more than just boys not being allowed to wear pink. When a co-worker infects the whole office because he couldn’t admit he was sick, that’s toxic masculinity,y too.

• Your Friends. Our hang-ups about masculinity can make it difficult to maintain meaningful platonic relationships. It makes it harder to form relationships with women, because the tenets of toxic masculinity and womanhood are fundamentally incompatible. And it makes it harder to have satisfying friendships with other men because toxic masculinity and having affection for another man are fundamentally incompatible.

• Your Sexual Partners. Toxic masculinity doesn’t leave us when we enter the bedroom. It puts on its pajamas and lays between us and our partner. It’s an unfortunate fact. Both the expectations dreamed up by men, and the ones placed upon them by the authority figures in their childhood can throw a monkey wrench into the most intimate of evenings.

• Your Self. On top of everything else, toxic masculinity makes it harder to exist within your own body. It can isolate you from your friends, poison your perception of the women in your life, and leave you with a general sense of worthlessness. That’s the tragic part. Young men uphold toxic masculinity because they think it’s inherently valuable, but toxic masculinity doesn’t find men to be of any inherent value whatsoever. If a man does his best, but fails? Not a real man. If a man is sick, and can’t provide? Not a real man. If a man gives and gets nothing in return? Not a real man.

How To Break Through Toxic Masculinity

So, we’ve covered a lot of ground when it comes to how masculinity can present itself in our lives. But there’s another important piece that we haven’t really touched on yet, and that’s how we can move beyond it. 

• Heal From Your Past. Often, our most toxic beliefs about manhood stem from lessons we learned in childhood. Letting go of the stories we’ve told about our past is vital to letting go of our toxic masculinity.

• Accept The Things You Cannot Change. As we come to terms with our childhood, and our place in the world, it becomes necessary to acknowledge how small we really are. We can’t defeat toxic masculinity in the mind of every man. All we can do is educate the people close to us, and fight the toxic masculinity within.

• Go To Therapy. Therapists have been scientifically untangling the loose threads of toxic masculinity for at least the past hundred years. If you struggle with toxic masculinity, and want to fight the good fight, then a therapist will be your greatest ally.

Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.