Focus on What You Can Control

Those who pursue control are like Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill each day, only to watch it roll back down each night. You can hang on with dug-in nails and gritted teeth for as long as you want, but ultimately the bitter truth is that despite our best efforts, we can only control so much. To find peace with the world around us, we must focus on the things we can control. 

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” -Reinhold Niebuhr, The Serenity Prayer.

Accepting The Things We Cannot Change

There are things in this life that must be acknowledged and accepted. Radical Acceptance is a DBT skill that helps us to cope with just that. If you are struggling with lack of control, intense life changes, or denial thereof, radical acceptance can help you come to terms with the reality of your situation. But what is radical acceptance, and how does one put it into practice? 

What Is Radical Acceptance?

Radical Acceptance is the act of deciding to accept something fully and completely, even if we don’t approve of it. Acceptance is not ignoring our feelings on the subject, nor is it letting our feelings take the driver’s seat. Fully practicing radical acceptance means meeting our situation where it is, without giving in to the denial that our intense feelings might guide us towards. 

Consider It Both Ways 

To find acceptance for both yourself, and the world around you, you must understand the scope of what is within your control. Take a sheet of paper and draw a vertical line down the center. On one side, you’ll write the things you fear are out of your control. In response to each of these items, you’ll write something that is within your control that can help you feel better about the situation. Even if there’s nothing to be done in the material sense, we can still address the underlying emotions that tug at your heart. Acknowledging what is and isn’t within our control can be a powerful source of both honesty and healing, if we can find the proper commission for ourselves. This is called the Pushing Away Method, which you can learn more about with this wonderful video from friend of Integrative Counsel, Jennifer H Carey LMHC. 

Zoom Out With Wise Mind

When we’re in our emotional mind, it’s simple and easy to look at our problems extremely closely, focusing on the minute details and immediate impacts. This can put us perilously deeper into our emotions, make us less productive, and blind us to potential solutions. Picture a situation that is bringing distress, then imagine how it could or should develop over the next five hours, five days, or five months. What could you do that would make it better, and what could you do that would make it worse? When we’re in the heat of emotion, it’s all too natural to forgo thoughts of the future, but zooming out can provide us with perspective and comfort once we understand the scope of that which is within our control. 

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Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.