Help! I’m Intimacy Avoidant

It’s not always obvious when we’re avoiding intimacy. It might go under our radar for years before we become cognizant of it, and even longer before we start to take action. Often we avoid intimacy through lack of physical contact, but it can run so much deeper than just the physical. The intimacy avoidant will push away feelings, sexuality, and even conscious thought in the pursuit of escape. 

It’s still possible to work through our discomfort around intimacy. While the reasons for our intimacy avoidance can vary wildly from individual to individual, the rewards for healing it are universal: more security and comfort in the relationships that are most important to us. 

“People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is ‘You’re safe with me’—that’s intimacy.” Taylor Jenkins Reid

How Do I Know When I’m Avoiding Intimacy? 

Even if we’re aware that we have a tendency to avoid intimacy, it can be challenging to see the signs with our own eyes. While it’s possible to have self-awareness when it comes to intimacy avoidance, you must first learn which warning signs to look out for. 

• Loneliness. Oftentimes an avoidant attachment style has its roots in a lonely or neglected childhood. We learned early on that intimacy was inconvenient, unfulfilling, or even painful, and so in adulthood we find ourselves avoiding intimate contact as though it were abuse in and of itself. If you find yourself feeling lonely (especially while still in the company of your loved ones), then you may wind up opening those deep wounds from childhood and avoiding intimacy as a defense mechanism. 
• Secret Keeping. It can be tempting to keep a secret, especially when we’re ashamed of ourselves. We might even tell ourselves that we’re not directly telling a lie, merely withholding the truth (also known as: lying). However, keeping a secret from your partner is positively correlated with anxiety and avoidance. Being honest can take some bravery, but it will deepen your emotional intimacy with whomever you practice it with.  
• Anxiety About Physical Contact. It probably doesn’t surprise you to hear that if you find yourself fearing or dreading the prospect of physical intimacy, you likely suffer from intimacy avoidance. It may surprise you to learn that fearing or dreading a lack of physical intimacy is also a common symptom of intimacy avoidant. Even if you desire and cherish intimacy with your partner, finding yourself in a habit of anxiety around intimacy is a fairly accurate bellwether for when you may act out with intimacy avoidance. 
• Impulsive Behavior. You can be having lots of sex and still avoid intimacy. In fact, many sex addicts self-identify as intimacy avoidant. Addiction and avoiding intimacy are so often intertwined that it can be hard to disentangle the two. If you’re having a bout of impulsive drinking, gambling, or sexual encounters, this behavior could be a bid to push away intimacy. 

How Can I Tell When Someone Else Is Being Intimacy Avoidant?

The first rule of thumb when it comes to loving an intimacy avoidant person is that communication is everything. They may push away. They may put up walls. But if you can maintain a steady line of two-way communication, and keep your heart open to them, you can still work together to heal the intimacy issues in your relationship. 

• What Are Their Vulnerability Factors?  
  • Were they traumatized by a past relationship? 
  • Do they have a complicated family situation? 
  • What might trigger painful memories of either of those situations? 
• What Is The Context Of Your Situation?  
  • Have either of you recently gone through a big life transition?
  • Was there a triggering incident for their intimacy avoidance? 
  • Have they always avoided intimacy in your relationship?
• What Do They Have To Say About It? 
  • Is there something causing a rift in your relationship?
  • What might they need to feel more comfortable being vulnerable?
  • How could you help them to be brave and open up? 

Why Am I So Avoidant Of Intimacy? 

The answer is going to be different for different people, but not as different as you might think. The human brain has evolved to protect itself (for the most part), and our behavior is an extension of that. We push away from intimacy because it provides us with an unconventional (and unsustainable) sort of emotional safety. So why might we need to push away from intimacy to feel safe?

• Trauma Response. The events of our past can have a pervasive effect on our expectations for the future. If we’ve had a traumatic experience from an intimate relationship, it can affect our entire perspective on intimacy. If we’ve come to expect trauma from our intimate relationships, wouldn’t it feel safer to push away altogether? 
• Addiction. Addicts often abuse their habit because they are running away from their most intimate thoughts and feelings. Many addicts have pushed away from a relationship because it forced them to examine their authentic feelings. After all, how can you feel comfortable with authentic intimacy when you aren’t comfortable with your authentic self?
• Toxic Gender Roles. In our society, men are conditioned to be tough, not emotionally intelligent. Women are expected to be emotionally supportive, not emotionally expressive. We perform these gender roles to fit in, but the ugly truth is that they also make it harder to authentically connect with our loved ones. 

“The human race tends to remember the abuses to which it has been subjected rather than the endearments. What’s left of kisses? Wounds, however, leave scars.” Bertolt Brecht

How To Connect When You’re Intimacy Avoidant

So if you’ve come to the realization that you or someone you love is intimacy avoidant, where do you go from there? What can be done to bring you closer to the ones you love? Is there anything we can do? 

There is always a way to reach out to one another. If you lead with love and honesty, you can reconstruct your relationship with intimacy and find comfortable closeness with the people you love.

• Cultivate Emotional Intimacy. Make bids for emotional intimacy with your partner. It could be uncomfortable. It might feel awkward at first. You may try and fail to do it more than once. But if you want to rebuild the intimacy in your relationship, there needs to be the opportunity. Cultivating emotional intimacy means giving one another the chance to be the authentic individuals you fell in love with. 
• Practice Forgiveness. You cannot hold onto the past and your partner at the same time. In order to forge an authentic and intimate relationship, you have to be willing to move beyond what’s happened in the past. If you’re seeking forgiveness, that means not partaking in your old intimacy avoidant behaviors. If you’re in the position to offer forgiveness, that means finding acceptance and compassion for the person you love. Make no mistake: there can be no intimacy without forgiveness. 
• Learn How To Listen. One of the simplest ways to avoid intimacy is to pay no mind to the words of your loved ones. It’s not easy to fully absorb what another person is saying (even if we’re quite enchanted by their company), so it takes practice to do it right. If we take the time to learn the art of listening, we can fight against our impulse to shun intimacy.  
• Attend Couples Counseling. If you’re really struggling with intimacy avoidance in your relationship, couples counseling can be a powerful environment for healing. The right therapist can help you cope with your discomfort around intimacy, communicate with your partner in a way they can hear, and put words to the feelings you haven’t been able to describe. 

If you are ready to do the healing work, working with a therapist can help. Based on your needs, our intake specialist will help you get matched up with your perfect therapist. Click here to schedule a consultation.

Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.