How To Set Boundaries With People You Love

It can be an enormous challenge to set boundaries, especially with the people you love. Even with people who truly love you, it can feel paradoxically vulnerable to set a boundary (even a perfectly reasonable one). Is it possible to set boundaries in a loving way? How can we remain loving with the people we care about while also setting healthy boundaries? Is that something you can learn how to do?

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”

Paulo Coelho

Can You Set Boundaries With Someone You Love? 

The answer is simpler than you might think. When you set a boundary, you’re sharing your needs with the people around you. With the right people supporting you, setting boundaries can actually grow your closeness with the people you love. It is totally possible to set boundaries in a gentle and loving way, if you learn how. Even with no prior experience, you can start setting healthy boundaries today! 

• Learning To Set Boundaries With A Partner. If we’re lucky, we get to spend a very long time with our partners. But whether it’s a summer fling or a long-term relationship, the healthy and reasonable setting of boundaries allows both parties to get what they want at the same time. 
• Figuring Out How To Have Boundaries With Your Family. It’s tempting to return to our old ways when we return to our family environment. Part of keeping boundaries with our family is staying true to our authentic self rather than what others expect from us. 
• Setting Energetic Boundaries. How are you supposed to communicate your boundaries to the world at large? We are not isolated islands with no contact to the outside world. The energy that we put out will always find an audience, and you are by far the most important receiver of that message. By setting strong energetic boundaries, you are communicating to yourself (and eventually others) where your comfort and discomfort lay.

How Do You Set Boundaries Without Hurting Feelings? 

It can be a delicate balancing act setting healthy boundaries while also being gentle and considerate with the people around us. However difficult it is, it benefits both yourself and others to set proper boundaries. It benefits others because it enables them to get familiar with your most authentic honest self, and it benefits you because it allows you to advocate for your own very real needs. But in order to do it effectively, you’ll have to dip into your toolkit of coping skills. 

• Learn How To Communicate. Communication is vital in setting respected boundaries. After all, if a sign is poorly worded, people will misunderstand its meaning through no malice or ill intention. By learning to communicate, you can set boundaries in an effective way that takes into account your needs, strengths, and audience.
• Fight The Urge To Be Grumpy. It can be tempting to set boundaries in anger and frustration. We make ourselves bigger and louder in the hopes that we’ll be heard, but in reality keeping things more neutral can have a much bigger impact on others. If we approach with emotionality, our boundary might be dismissed as being irrationally done in anger, but if we stay calm and stick to the facts, we can set boundaries in a way that is both effective and gentle.
• Take Care Of Yourself. When we don’t take care of ourselves, we carry resentments towards the world for all the ways we aren’t being taken care of. Take it upon yourself to provide the care that you wish for from the world, and free yourself from your self-inflicted jealousy.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” 

Brené Brown

Setting Boundaries With Your Partner

Our romantic relationships can be one of the most charged and frequently difficult areas to set boundaries in. After all, if you’re in a committed relationship (or even just headed that way), you’re expecting to share your entire life with this person. Is it even possible to have boundaries with somebody you’re that close to? Setting a boundary with your partner can look very different than setting a boundary with anybody else due to that inherent closeness. But due to that closeness, setting a gentle but firm boundary with your partner can be incredibly productive and rewarding.

• Understand When (Not) To Argue. Even warriors who train their whole lives for battle understand that there are times when it’s better not to engage at all. In order to know where your boundaries need to be set, you need to determine which ones are most important to you, and which are merely preference. For example, we might dislike jazz music (I’ve heard it’s possible) but listen to it sometimes for the sake of our partner’s happiness, while maintaining that going to a Herbie Hancock tribute band is completely out of the question. 
• Listen Closely. Expressing your needs is just as much about listening as it is about talking. After all, in order to communicate effectively, we must understand how another person can best hear and understand us. The best way to learn that is through the subtle discipline of active listening.
• Always Lead With Empathy. Our romantic partnerships are some of the most sensitive relationships in our lives, so it’s important to keep our empathy close at hand when we’re setting boundaries with our partners. By leading with empathy, we can better understand where our partner is coming from and show them that even though we are setting a boundary, we are doing it from a place of love and respect.
• Foster Intimacy. You can set up as many boundaries as you want when your relationship is founded and renewed through trust and emotional intimacy. Through vulnerability, affection, and caretaking, we can show our partners that we love them without relying on people pleasing.

Setting Boundaries With Your Family

Our families are our first relationship with the world, and sometimes our most contentious. When we return to our family units as adults, it can be a struggle to challenge the status quo of our family life by trying to set a boundary. But setting boundaries is one of the best tools you have in shaping your relationship with your family into the one you need instead of the one you have.

• Know What You Want To Communicate. Things can get pretty charged when we communicate with our families. Having a DBT skill on-hand like DEAR MAN can help you keep things productive while staying authentic to your feelings and needs. 
• Set Achievable Goals. Think about what your family is capable of and what you can reasonably expect from them given what you know about them. They may be loving and willing to change, but even then, we can’t expect everything to change overnight, and the process of getting where we want to be may require many little steps over a long period of time. 
• Understand Your Family Story. Your family didn’t start with your parents, or even your great grandparents. You are the latest in a long line of individuals who were raised by imperfect beings with limited knowledge and flawed judgment in a world that is often chaotic and unforgiving. By understanding the circumstances and causes of your family story, you can make better sense of why things are the way they are, and most importantly, how to make sure things don’t have to be that way anymore. 

“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”

Ernest Hemingway

Setting Boundaries With Your Friends

When we clearly communicate our needs, our friendships can be a great source of comfort and strength in our lives. But if we’re afraid to set boundaries, we can find ourselves in friendships that empty our cup rather than filling it. But even for those most afraid to set a boundary, all hope is not lost! In theory, our friends are essentially our chosen tribe. These are the people who will often be the most amenable and friendly to us when we draw a line in the sand, and even if not, you don’t have to see them regularly in the same way you might your family or partner. When we set a boundary with our friends and see it respected, it can be a very powerful experience, especially for a newcomer setting a boundary.

• Get Clear On What Your Boundaries Are. This doesn’t just mean you knowing where your boundaries are, this means being willing to sit and explain where and potentially why to others. By being clear and direct about your boundary, you give your friends the greatest chance to honor that boundary.
• Respect Yourself. If we do not respect ourselves, we will accept complete disrespect even from our most vital lines of support. There is no substitution for self-respect, and in order to sustainably uphold your boundaries, you will need to grow and manage a healthy sense of self-regard.
• Be Supportive, Not Submissive. Sometimes we make ourselves small because we think it’s what other people want. This gets in the way of setting healthy boundaries because we cannot stand up for ourselves and shrink at the same time. Take care in your friendships. Do not be afraid to put effort forward for the people you care about. But don’t feel obligated to do them favors you wouldn’t perform for yourself. 

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” 

Carl Jung

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Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.