Questions to Ask Your Partner Before You Get Engaged

Getting engaged can put you in a whirlwind of emotions.  You now know who you plan to spend your life with, but still, not much is certain. What is that life going to look like? How might this beautiful relationship change along the way? 

It’s natural to want answers, but in truth, it’s you and your partner who have them. So that’s why we asked a counselor to give us her best questions to ask your partner when you’re getting engaged. 

Does Needing Therapy Mean You Shouldn’t Get Married? 

It might be a nagging anxiety in your head that you shouldn’t get married because of your mental health. It is horrible to imagine but possible to conceive that in the course of struggling with our mental health, we could damage our relationship, or, even worse, hurt our partner. It’s reasonable, and even kind-hearted to worry for the well-being of the people who love us. However, it is still unreasonable to deny yourself the breadth and fullness of love just because your mental health is suffering. 

How many people have been pulled out of a daze, guided during an episode, stopped from abusing drugs, or otherwise been saved because they let someone love them? What ancestor of yours let their ancestral madness exclude them from becoming an ancestor? People who go to therapy fall in love, get married, start families, and live their lives in happiness every day, and you are allowed to be one of them.

• Depressed People Are Worth Marrying. To love someone with depression is one of the great joys in this life. When you are the person who can bring laughter and respite to someone who struggles to smile, it’s why we play the game of love. 

• Traumatized People Are Permitted Every Joy Of Romantic Love. In the aftermath of trauma, it can be hard to put your mind on anything other than the traumatizing event. So much changes in response to our trauma that it can feel like it has overtaken our entire life. But what never changes is our capability to love and be loved in return. With time and effort, you can turn the page and discover what happens in the next chapter.

• If You Have OCD, You Can Still Get Engaged. It’s not like they stop you at the jewelry store when you’re buying an engagement ring and ask you about your mental disorders. They might be able to tell, but so what? You’ll still be able to walk out of there with a ring, assured with the knowledge that people with OCD have every right to find love and get married.

• Anxious People Are Allowed To Get Engaged. Maybe this resonates with you, maybe it doesn’t, but perhaps the reason that you feel anxious over whether you should get engaged is because you are prone to anxiety. Getting engaged is a big change. It can release endorphins and cortisol and a complicated web of other neurotransmitters and hormones that can make us either feel like it’s a big party or that we’re about to die. But, either way, if anxious people weren’t allowed to get married, nobody would be married.

Does Couples Counseling Mean You Shouldn’t Get Engaged? 

It varies from relationship to relationship. If you’re in couples counseling and feel that your relationship is flourishing, then getting engaged could be a beautiful way to commit to one another. However, if you’re considering couples counseling due to dissatisfaction with the relationship, then committing to it in its current state could be counter to your true needs. 

So if there’s not an easy answer we can reference, how do we determine for ourselves when getting engaged is right for our relationship? If our relationship is flourishing, what does that look like psychologically?

• My Partner Knows My Love Language. Does your partner know how to make you feel loved? Are your bids of affection landing with your partner? When you and your partner have a mutual understanding of how to replenish and reconnect in your relationship, then you can feel confident in the love that you share.

• My Partner And I Feel Intimate With One Another. Are you and your partner comfortable with physical closeness? Do you find it easy to be emotionally vulnerable together? Do you think something could be done to improve your physical intimacy?  Communication is key when it comes to intimacy, whether it’s physical or emotional. When you are able to be intimate with your partner, you are able to trust them. 
• We Can Forgive And Be Forgiven. When conflict inevitably arises, are you and your partner able to move through it with honesty and care? Do you confront one another when your feelings are hurt, or does the pain more often go unsaid? If we have healthy avenues of conflict resolution, we can face our disagreements with strength, maturity, and even unity.

What Does A Therapist Say About Getting Engaged?

Mandi Rogers is a clinical therapy intern in St Petersburg, FL, who can help you flourish in your relationships, career, and personal journey. She provides her clients with the tools to open up, reconnect, and strive towards something better. Here is what she says about getting engaged:

Getting engaged is exciting. It is also a big step, and having honest conversations now can help you enter marriage with clarity and confidence. These questions are not about doubting your relationship, they are about making sure you are ready for the realities of life together.

1. Money matters
   Money is one of the most common sources of tension in relationships. Talk about your habits around spending, saving, and debt.

• Do you want joint accounts, separate accounts, or a mix? 
• How will you decide on bigger purchases or financial priorities together?
• What are the financial goals you’d like to work towards together? 

2. Future plans

Having a sense of each other’s long-term vision can prevent surprises and resentment later. When all parties in the relationship know what they want for their future, they can start to picture what it’ll look like together.

• Do you want children? 
• Where do you see yourselves living? 
• What are your career goals? 

3. Deal-breakers
   Be honest about values, habits, or non-negotiables that are truly important to you. This is not pessimistic, it is practical. Knowing deal-breakers now can prevent bigger conflicts later. 

• Have you or your partner recently had a major change in behavior or philosophy? 
• How are you trying to change for the better?  Where could you make strides towards happiness, wellness, and general satisfaction?
• How could your partner change for the better? Where could they make strides towards unity, healthiness, and general satisfaction?

4. Boundaries with family and friends
   Talking about this now helps protect your relationship while keeping family in balance. You will be sharing a family, and it’s vital to be on the same page.

• What boundaries do you want with extended family? 
• How will you handle holidays, visits, and expectations from relatives or friends? 
• How do you uphold boundaries with your own family? 
• How can you support your partner in upholding boundaries with their family?

5. Love and affection
   Everyone gives and receives love differently. 

• What is your love language? 
• What makes each of you feel appreciated? 
• How do you want to show affection and support for each other over the long term?

6. Handling stress together
   We all get stressed. Having this conversation now makes it easier to lean on each other later.

• What helps you feel understood or grounded when you’re overwhelmed? 
• How can your partner be there for you in ways that actually work? 
• What does your partner need from you?

7. Conflict and communication
   Arguments will happen. How do you want to handle disagreements in the future? 

• Are there patterns you want to avoid repeating? 
• How can you make sure you feel heard when tensions rise?
• How can you make sure that your partner feels heard when tensions rise?

8. Keeping your relationship strong

Getting engaged is exciting, but it is also a chance to reflect on how you want to live life as a team. These conversations might feel awkward at first, but they set a foundation for a marriage that can handle real life, the joys, the stress, and everything in between. The life you build together starts with the conversations you have today.

• What routines, habits, or shared activities help you stay connected? 
• How will you make space for each other even when life gets busy?
• How could you turn towards your partner?
• How could your partner turn towards you? 

Engaged In St. Petersburg And Looking For A Therapist?

You don’t have to navigate this change in your relationship by yourself. This sort of transition is a new beginning, and can be very joyful, yet, it is still a change. It is human to struggle with any transition, whether you label it “good” or “bad.” 

Therapy can help you get in touch with what you want in your marriage, how you would like to show up as a future husband or wife, and how you would like your partner to show up as a future husband or wife. It can help you cope with the changes happening in your relationship, overcome blocks that prevent you from fully committing, and assess what your attachment style is and all the ways you need to be loved. 

Our intake specialist will take the time to understand your needs and connect you with a therapist who is the right fit for your needs. 

 Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation.

Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.