Emotional intimacy is something we all need, but not always something that comes naturally to us. It can take a lot of courage to share your vulnerabilities, even with somebody you trust. If we don’t have a lot of experience letting people into our internal worlds, the prospect of letting our guard down can be daunting. If we have a history of negative experiences with intimacy, it can make it hard to trust again. If we are going through a big life transition like grief, marriage, or pregnancy, many couples allow their emotional intimacy to fall to the wayside. But there is more to emotional intimacy than exposed vulnerability and the potential for harm. Unlocking your emotional intimacy allows your trust to blossom into something that feels comfortable and reliable rather than a source of anxiety. Through building your emotional intimacy toolkit, you can build a strong foundation for your relationships.

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” – Maya Angelou 

What Is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is the closeness that arises between individuals who feel comfortable and secure with one another. Like wildflowers in your garden, it cannot be forced, but it can be encouraged and tended to.

“The opposite of loneliness is not togetherness, it’s intimacy.” – Richard Bach

What Are Examples Of Emotional Intimacy? 

Emotional intimacy can mean different things for different individuals. What works specifically for one couple might not work for every couple, but these are some good general guideposts for growing the intimacy in your relationships. One might show and feel emotional intimacy through: 

• Active Listening. Clear and open communication is key to feeling a sense of closeness with your partner. The most vital element of good communication is the ability to actively listen. Active listening means empathizing, asking good questions, and making the effort to understand the person who is talking.

• Setting And Respecting Boundaries. In any relationship, respecting the other person’s boundaries is necessary to earning their trust. This requires a foundation of active listening in order to understand the specifics of those boundaries. By setting and respecting someone’s boundaries, you are communicating that you are a safe, trustworthy person.

• Time and Presence. The hands-down best way to build emotional intimacy is by spending time together. That means potentially sacrificing time you’d otherwise spend on your hobbies or interests and giving that time to your partner. By committing your time and presence to your partner, you are communicating how important your partner is to you, and that can be a strong source of emotional intimacy for both you and your partner.

How Do I Become More Emotionally Intimate With Someone? 

If emotional intimacy is something you’re trying to unlock, develop, or rebuild, you have quite a few options. Actually putting these into practice can be difficult, especially if emotional intimacy is unfamiliar to you or your partner. But when you put the effort in, give unconditionally, and find the right guide, it can transform your relationship for the better. 

• Keep Trying. All of us struggle to communicate sometimes, and everyone has made mistakes at some point. It’s how we make up for and recover from those mistakes that we show our dedication. By putting the effort in and not giving up, you can show your partner with your actions that you are dedicated to them. Learning how to repair things when you have made mistakes in your relationship is key and will help get your relationship back on track. This article from the Gottman institute has some really helpful tips on how to make repairs in your relationships. It comes down to cooperation, compromise, and teamwork, which takes time and effort to get really good at.
• Love Yourself Too. Working on your self-love can be a powerful tool of transformation. Oftentimes our idealized version of love is somewhat codependent, and that can be difficult for a relationship to navigate. When we don’t love and care for ourselves, our partner assumes that burden, and it can be a tremendous drain on any relationship. Emotional intimacy actually deepens when your partner sees that you can love and take care of yourself. When you immerse yourself in your passions outside of your relationship, and you take the time to treat yourself the way you would want to be treated by a partner, you are able to fill your cup and allow that to overflow into your partner’s cup and vice versa.
• Find The Right Guide. There are times where you might need some extra, outside assistance to get your relationship back on track. A good guide will teach you and your partner the skills that you might be lacking and be a neutral party that can help check your blind spots. Sometimes, we get a little lost on our journey, and need someone to hold the lantern for us as we find our way back to center. A couple’s therapist might be just what you and your partner need to help deepen your intimacy. Our couple’s therapist at Integrative Counsel, Michael,  is Gottman trained and will give you the tools you need to deepen your connection with your partner and start to build a secure, loving, and intimate relationship with each other.

 If you feel stuck on your healing journey, working with a therapist can help. Based on your needs, our intake specialist will help you get matched up with your perfect therapist. Click here to schedule a consultation.

Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.