Ways to Bond With Your Spouse (That Don’t Cost $$$)

Our partners are supposed to be our closest allies and most tightly held companions. When there’s a distance in that relationship, it’s our natural instinct to reach out and close that distance. 

However, the reality of closing that distance can be quite different than we imagine. 

We can spend our money until the bank account is dry. We can do favors for our partner until we have nothing left to give. We can protect their feelings by biting our tongue until our mouth is full of blood. This will guarantee nothing until you understand what intimacy is, and how to cultivate it in your relationship.

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.”— Peter Ustinov

What Can Therapy Teach Us About Intimacy? 

Intimacy is what happens when safety, security, and love come together. Each of these elements are necessary for lasting intimacy. Two out of three does not cut it. 

Many couples believe intimacy simply “happens” when two compatible people fall in love. In reality, intimacy is less like lightning and more like a garden. It grows through repeated acts of honesty, repair, vulnerability, and care.

“The ability to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health.”— Bessel van der Kolk

How Does Safety Help Us Feel Intimate? 

Safety means feeling welcome and protected. 

If we participate in our relationship expecting that our words will be ignored, our intentions will be misinterpreted, and our actions will go unappreciated, then we do not feel welcome nor protected. 

When we feel unsafe, our nervous system shifts its attention away from connection and toward self-protection. We become defensive. We hide parts of ourselves. We begin speaking strategically instead of honestly.

Intimacy cannot survive where authenticity feels dangerous.

A counselor helps couples recognize the subtle ways they unintentionally make one another feel unsafe. Criticism gives way to curiosity. Defensiveness is replaced by accountability. Over time, both partners begin trusting that they can reveal their true thoughts without risking rejection.

How Does A Counselor Help Us Feel Secure In Our Relationship? 

If you are constantly digging up and moving the plants in your garden, it won’t matter how rich the soil is, and it won’t make a difference how much you water them. Without security, the plant does not have the means to lay down roots.

If safety is the feeling of being at ease in your environment, then security is the knowledge that your safe environment will still be there in the future.

Security is built through consistency. It grows every time your partner follows through on a promise, repairs a misunderstanding, tells the truth when it is uncomfortable, or chooses the relationship over the argument.

Many of us enter adulthood carrying expectations about love that were formed long before we ever met our spouse. Therapy helps uncover those expectations so that yesterday’s wounds stop dictating today’s relationship. Rather than reacting to old fears, couples learn how to intentionally create a relationship that feels dependable, steady, and emotionally secure.

How Does Therapy Help Us To Love?

Love is often described as a feeling.

Therapy treats it as a practice.

Feelings naturally rise and fall. Life has seasons of stress, grief, illness, financial strain, and exhaustion. If love depended only on our feelings, then how could it ever truly help us to weather the storm? How would couples ever survive together in times of struggle and need if they solely relied on the positive feedback of joy? 

Love is a verb. There is a deep feeling within that compels us to love, but love itself is a skill that we must choose to practice every day. 

If we learn how to truly love, where all parties are generously given to and generously sharing in appropriate measure, then love can be a pillar of strength even in tough times. 

But we have to learn how. We can’t survive on instinct alone. 

What Do We Mistake For Intimacy? 

• Expensive gifts. Thoughtful gifts can certainly communicate affection, but money cannot purchase emotional closeness. Sometimes gifts become substitutes for difficult conversations. A weekend getaway cannot repair a wound that neither partner is willing to discuss.
• Shared interests. A grown-up relationship takes a whole lot more than watching the same shows or climbing the same rocks. To have a lasting relationship, you need to be able to do the hard work of living a life, together. It is one thing to feel happy together on vacation, and another to feel happy together when you’re doing laundry.
• Martyrdom. Many people confuse self-sacrifice with love. They silence themselves to avoid conflict. They overextend themselves hoping to earn affection. They become so committed to keeping the peace that they slowly disappear inside their own relationship. That isn’t intimacy. Intimacy requires two whole people bringing their authentic selves to the relationship. You cannot be deeply known if you are constantly hiding your own needs.

How Does A Counselor Help You Build Intimacy In Your Relationship? 

“Love is an active power in man.”— Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

When studying love, Erich Fromm observed that the relationships that we would classify as successful (lasting, stable, supportive; in other words, loving) were ones where both partners engaged in the active practice of giving. 

This act of giving is trickier than it sounds. A dead mouse is a wonderful gift for a cat, but perhaps not your husband. You need to understand what you’re actually giving, and who you’re actually giving it to. This is something that takes practice. 

In therapy, we learn all the little pieces that add up to real relationship skills. When you learn how to give the sort of love that is worth receiving, you can love like a true artist.

• Counseling Helps You Learn Your Love Language. We often assume our partner experiences love the same way we do. Counseling helps couples understand the unique ways each person feels appreciated, supported, and valued so that acts of love are received as they were intended.

• In Counseling, We Walk Toward Intimacy Instead Of Away. Conflict naturally activates self-protection. Some people withdraw. Others pursue. Some become defensive while others become critical. In counseling, we move past our assumptions and habits of behavior, and explore the underlying needs that we’re trying to meet when we avoid or reject intimacy. 

• The Right Counselor Can Help You Process The Pain In Your Relationship. Even with the people nearest and dearest to us, we can get hurt by their mistakes, and even make mistakes of our own. These issues are not indicative of a relationship between incompatible people, but instead point to the fact that all relationships are composed of human beings with free will and the capacity to act against their own interest. 

DIY Couples Therapy For Financial Stress In St. Petersburg, FL

It’s tough. We want to bond. We want to feel closer. We also don’t want to risk the inevitable vulnerability that closeness brings. 

We want to get rich, but we’re scared to put any money in. 

So what can you and your partner do? The truth is, it takes money to make money. If you want to be close to your partner, you’ll have to take the time to meet them there.

• Carve Time For One Another. As adults, our schedules can become wildly busy. The endless juggle of work, family, and acts of daily living can make it seem like we don’t have the time to spend talking about our days, sharing a hobby, or just sitting comfortably together. Finding the path to closeness means finding the time to pave it together. Set aside a little bit of time each day (even five minutes can be life changing) where you’re looking into your partners eyes and breathing the same air. 

• See What Your Partner Is Seeing. Our phones are designed to show us exactly what we want when we want it. It can be enlightening, when you and your partner are mutually scrolling, to put down your phone and start looking at what they are looking at. Maybe they’ll put down their phone too. Maybe you’ll just get to peek into their world for a little bit. Either way, little bids of affection like taking an interest in what your partner is doing can add up to something meaningful. 

• Meal Prep Together. One of the best ways to save money is by eating at home. One of the best ways to bond with your partner is by working together. When you’re cooking, think about which tasks each of you are uniquely suited for. When we acknowledge the ways we help and are helped by our partner, it reminds us of how important we are to our partner, and how important our partner is to us.

• Do A Nightly Journal Together. The greatest insights I’ve learned from my partners have come from mutual journaling. Sitting in the same space and writing about the things that have made us feel vulnerable or strong that day. The only way to learn what we go through is by sharing. You cannot make your partner share, but if you are brave enough to start, you can show one another how beautiful and fulfilling this type of vulnerability can be.

If you’re feeling stuck on your healing journey, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Our intake specialist will take the time to understand your needs and connect you with a therapist who is the right fit. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation.

 

Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.