Reuniting with our families can be a test of everything we learn in therapy.

Yet it seems that family gatherings often leave us wanting to return to our old habits, and forgo using our toolkit altogether. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. It is possible to have positive interactions with our families while also maintaining our integrity, it just takes diligence and determination. 

Set The Right Intentions 

Before you enter into a potentially stressful family gathering, it can be clarifying to determine what your intentions for the gathering are. Realistically, what would an ideal interaction with your family look like? When you look at the big picture, what do you want to get from the time you spend with your family? What can you do to facilitate a positive experience? It’s all too easy to get tangled up in your ego once family comes into the picture, but once you’re clear about your intentions, you can return to them as a guiding light.

Know Your Priorities

Ask yourself what you value more: having peace, or being right. Being right can feel extremely important. We strive throughout our lives to be intelligent, use our better judgment, and reach that nirvanic state of being correct. But no matter correct we are, there is always someone who can be more stubborn than we are correct.

After all, if we didn’t have a stubborn family member at the dinner table, we might not recognize it as our dinner table. Experiences like this challenge our sense of self, and rub our ego the wrong way like a little boy trying to play with a stray cat. Even if we explain ourselves to the best of our ability, we might not be able to convince our families of anything. Reflect on your intentions, get some distance from your ego, and don’t push yourself into a conflict without purpose.

Know Your Sensitivities, And Set Boundaries

Before engaging with your family, remind yourself of the things you need to be gentle with yourself about. What behaviors from your family have triggered you in the past? What do you wish had gone differently? Early on in your next family gathering, be clear and concise with your loved ones about the things you will not tolerate. Set clear boundaries, and stick to them. This is an opportunity for your family to provide you with emotional safety by listening to your boundary and respecting your wishes.

Focus On What You Can Control 

Ultimately, we cannot be responsible for the behavior of our family because we don’t control the things they say or do. Certainly, we’ve all been frustrated over this lack of control at one time or another. That’s why it can be so comforting to focus on something you have complete control over: your inner inner world. Remember that when things get too intense, you can give yourself a moment to step outside, take a walk, and regulate yourself before returning to the conversation. While it’s impossible to control the actions of our loved ones, we still have power over our attitude, and that can make all the difference in the world.

Approach With Curiosity

Spending time with our families can often put us on an emotional roller coaster ride. The wrong phrases from our parents can feel like they’re dredging up old wounds with reckless ferocity. It can be enlightening to maintain an attitude of curiosity rather than defensiveness. We can honor the wounded child inside of us, while remaining a responsible adult by investigating each situation rather than reacting to it.

Watch LIVE PLAYBACK “How to authentically survive your next family gathering w/ Carina Schmid, Communication Coach” here!

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Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.