How can you and your partner argue less? Encouraging an environment of effective communication is one of the biggest challenges any couple can face, and nobody is sent into this world with the tools to have perfect harmony in their relationships. Here are a few tips to foster listening and understanding in your relationships:  

Using the HALT Method will help you argue less.

You are more susceptible to destruction when you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. The HALT method is a tool that you can use when you feel like there is something “off” about your mindset. It can help you keep your emotions under control and help you remember to meet your basic needs so you don’t end up taking your emotions out on someone you love. 

• Hunger: When we feel hungry, we might act in a way that we will come to regret later on. Remind yourself to eat well throughout the day so you don’t wind up snapping at your loved ones. Make sure that your meals are high in nutrients and protein so your body doesn’t freak out and go into starvation mode. 

• Anger: Anger is normal, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed for experiencing it or expressing it. It becomes a problem when you become destructive because of your anger and take it out on those closest to you. When you’re feeling angry, try to release it in a constructive way. Pause and take time to understand the root cause of the emotion. If you can confront or change something about the situation, do so. If it is out of your control, release your anger through exercise, cleaning, or a creative outlet. 
• Loneliness: Humans are wired for connection with other people. We need to love and be loved. The human race is ancient, and our ancient mind gets triggered by loneliness because being cast out of the group and needing to survive alone meant death to our ancestors. Being lonely can cause you to feel misunderstood, and like you have no one. These feelings can make you isolate yourself further, pushing the people you love away in order to protect yourself from rejection. When these feelings come up, take a moment to breathe and assess. Then, opposite action by spending time with others rather than isolating. 
• Tired. Fatigue can  compromise our ability to regulate emotions effectively. We may find it harder to control our impulses and temper our reactions, leading to more impulsive or emotionally charged statements.

Being an active listener will help you argue less.

Don’t take things personally

When we are having a serious conversation with our partner, it’s so easy to take everything they say personally. Our ego assumes it is under attack and assumes that what our partner is saying about us makes us “bad” or “wrong.” Remember that your partner is communicating their own personal experience, and it might not have anything to do with you. Expand your perspective and empathize with how the other person might feel rather than letting the assumption that everything is about you make you defensive.

Let go of your attachment to being right

When you are attached to being right and winning, you are making compromise impossible. When you are focused on your own agenda, you stop listening to your partner and instead act defensively. Focus on your shared goals, and start working as a team. Let go of being the winner, and let go of the outcome. “ It can be very hard to let go of your perception of someone’s guilt when you know that by every standard of ethics, morality, or integrity, you’re right to find fault with them. But the Course asks, ‘Do you prefer that you be right or happy?’” When you are attached to being right, you sacrifice your happiness.

Be Respectful

You don’t have to agree with or like what they have to say, but you can still be respectful in your response. Share your opinion in an assertive, respectful, candid, and kind way. Think about the way you would want someone else to respond to you. You wouldn’t want them to yell, be condescending or put you down. That would only escalate the situation. Think about connection and gaining a new perspective.  Remember that other people’s perspectives add value to your life, regardless of if you agree with them or not.

Schedule a session with a couple’s counselor

Couple’s counseling doesn’t have to be a last resort effort. Couple’s counseling can help you learn how to communicate with your partner. It’s also great because you have someone there to check your blind spots and help you see past your own egos.

If you feel stuck on your healing journey, working with a therapist can help. Based on your needs, our intake specialist will help you get matched up with your perfect therapist. Click here to schedule a consultation.

Starting with a creative written voice and a BA in English from ASU, Alli Cravener has become so much more than Integrative Counsel’s voice! Not only is she a writer who is passionate about connecting concepts and content, Alli is also currently a grad student working towards her Master’s in Counseling. She is also the editor-in-chief, office manager, AND intake specialist at Integrative Counsel. When you call us, you’ll talk to Alli! Alli’s interests include painting, history, learning about other people, and wearing the color pink. She likens herself to a “mouse in a palm tree”, and she loves it that way.