Why Being Yourself is So Freeing

Authenticity doesn’t come naturally. The society in which we live makes it easier for those who blend in than it does for those who stand out. Queerness and neurodiversity can leave you standing on the outside without other options, and so of course you wear the mask that grants you access, and learn to love it as much as you can. Better to love the mask than risk loving an authentic self that might not be accepted.

But, without authenticity, we are self-electing a life we did not choose and likely do not want. This causes us to feel anxious and depressed. Therapy can help you find your way toward a more genuinely fulfilling existence. 

“My idea of an interesting person is someone who is quite proud of their seemingly abnormal life and turns their disadvantage into a career.” — John Waters, Shock Value

Why Do We Need Therapy When We’re Gay, Trans, or Neurodivergent?

Many of us spend years trying to become acceptable before we ever consider becoming comfortable with who we really are. We learn which parts of us are safe to share and which parts are likely to invite criticism, rejection, or ridicule. Over time, this process of self-editing can become so automatic that we lose sight of who we are underneath the performance.

For people who are gay, transgender, nonbinary, neurodivergent, or otherwise outside the social norm, emotional distress is a natural consequence of our isolating circumstances. Distress is not a personal failure, it is the way our minds and bodies process intense experiences. When we allow ourselves to tune into that distress without pushing it down, and listen to what it has to say, we can learn more about what we truly need and value. Our emotions, while uncomfortable, are valuable communicators.

When we get lost behind our masks, it becomes more difficult for us to address our authentic emotions. Our constant irritation is a symptom of our fear of truly accepting ourselves as we are. And when we are not even accepted by ourselves, when we do not feel safe enough to be authentic, when we are constantly irritated, it can lead to profound pain in the mind and body.

We’re depressed because we can’t be ourselves. 

Even if we’re brave enough to live unmasked, we must either learn to carefully code switch based on the situation or be exiled when we speak the right language at the wrong time.

We’re anxious because our freedom is not a certainty. 

Acceptance may exist in one room and disappear in the next. A supportive friend group can coexist with a hostile workplace. A loving family member can still reject a fundamental part of who we are.

We’re traumatized from a life of exclusion. 

The accumulated weight of being misunderstood, corrected, bullied, rejected, or abandoned leaves scars. Therapy provides a place where those experiences can be acknowledged and processed  rather than minimized.

How Does Therapy Help You Explore Your Sexuality? 

Even as things change and attitudes towards sexuality get more progressive, our existence is presupposed to be one that is heterosexual, untraumatized, and above all else: “normal” 

After all, having a normal sexual identity is both something that is reasonable to want and possible to achieve. Right? 

In reality, many people spend years questioning their attractions, their identity, their values, and the kind of relationships they truly want. It turns out that having a “normal” sexuality is less important than having a sexuality that allows you to be happy and healthily connect with your fellow human beings.

Therapy offers a space to explore these questions without pressure, shame, or expectation. Rather than telling you who you are, a counselor helps you discover your own answers. The process is often less about finding a label and more about developing the confidence to live honestly.

• Grow into your confidence. Accept and celebrate the feminine and masculine energies within you. Many of us learn to hide parts of ourselves long before we understand why we’re hiding them. We suppress our desires, mannerisms, interests, and forms of self-expression in order to gain acceptance or avoid rejection. Therapy helps you identify which parts of your personality are authentically yours and which parts were developed for survival. As self-understanding grows, confidence often follows. Instead of asking whether you fit someone else’s definition of normal, you can begin asking whether your life reflects who you truly are.
• Learn how to communicate. Understand how relationships really work. Healthy relationships are not built upon mind-reading, perfect compatibility, or the absence of conflict. They are built upon communication, negotiation, vulnerability, and mutual respect. Whether you’re dating, married, exploring nontraditional relationship structures, or simply trying to better understand your needs, therapy can help you develop the skills necessary to form stronger connections. In therapy, we learn how to ask for what we need and give the people we love what they need in return. 

• Heal the traumas that make intimacy difficult. When we are used, abused, or taken advantage of, it can wound our ability to feel comfortable with and participate in intimacy. This can look like deflecting bids for affection with comedy, choosing to isolate, or retreating from physical intimacy altogether.  Sometimes these protective strategies develop so gradually that we no longer recognize them as defenses. Therapy helps us understand the origins of these patterns, process the experiences that created them, and develop safer ways of connecting with others.

What Does A Counselor Offer For Someone Exploring Their Gender Expression? 

Gender exploration is not as simple as flipping a switch one day and changing the way you dress. It’s an emotionally involving and ever continuing process of self-discovery, grief, courage, uncertainty, and growth. Living an authentic life requires adjustment, especially when we’re new to it. 

A counselor provides support throughout this process by helping you navigate both your internal experiences and the practical realities of living in the world.

• Coping with the realities of a life lived honestly. Authenticity is deeply rewarding, but it is not always easy. Living openly may require difficult conversations, changes in relationships, professional challenges, or encounters with prejudice. Therapy provides a place to process these experiences without judgment.

• Learning how to socialize with your new gender expression. Many people discover that transitioning involves learning new social dynamics in addition to developing a new relationship with themselves. Expectations, social roles, and interpersonal interactions may shift significantly. Therapy can help you make sense of these changes while developing confidence in your presentation and communication. The goal is not to perform a gender perfectly, but to find a way of existing that feels natural, comfortable, and true to who you are.

• Unlocking gender-affirming care. For individuals pursuing medical transition, therapy can serve as an important source of guidance and support. A counselor can help you understand your options, prepare for major decisions, manage expectations, and navigate healthcare systems. They can also provide documentation when appropriate and help you process the emotional aspects of transition. Gender-affirming care is more about helping people align their external lives with their internal sense of self vs changing the body.

How Does A Therapist Help Neurodivergent People Unmask?

As neurodivergent people, we learn that our natural instinctual thoughts and feelings lead to behaviors which are inappropriate. Some of us are incapable of controlling these socially inappropriate behaviors, and get labeled as disabled because we are unable to integrate with allistic (read: not neurodivergent) society. 

Some autistic people see how other openly autistic people are treated and choose to develop a mask out of fear that they might receive the same treatment. Making and wearing this mask can be painful, but sometimes it is necessary to be taken seriously in a world that largely does not accept neurodivergence. 

However, wearing the mask does not mean always wearing the mask. When we identify more with the character than we do ourselves, we lose touch with our minds and bodies. Therapy helps neurodivergent individuals reconnect with themselves beneath the mask.

• Self-knowledge. You cannot advocate for your needs if you do not understand them. Therapy helps neurodivergent people develop a deeper understanding of how their minds work, including their strengths, challenges, sensory experiences, emotional patterns, and communication styles. Rather than viewing differences as deficits, counseling encourages a more nuanced understanding of neurodiversity. Self-knowledge provides the foundation for making decisions that are genuinely supportive rather than simply socially acceptable.

• Self acceptance. Many neurodivergent adults carry years of shame related to being too much, too sensitive, too intense, or too different from their peers. Therapy helps challenge these narratives by separating genuine difficulties from unnecessary self-criticism. Self-acceptance does not mean ignoring areas of growth. It means recognizing that your value as a person is not dependent upon how successfully you imitate someone else’s way of thinking or behaving.
• Self respect. Unmasking ultimately requires more than understanding and acceptance. It requires self-respect. Therapy helps people develop the confidence to honor their needs, communicate their boundaries, and make choices that support their well-being. Instead of organizing your life around the goal of appearing normal, you begin organizing it around the goal of living well. Self-respect is what allows authenticity to move from an idea into a daily practice.

“When your internal values go against what you are expressing to the world externally, your nervous system perceives this as a threat and puts you in to a fight-or-flight response. You are then in survival mode, and existing inauthentically then becomes exhausting and creates anxiety and burnout because you are constantly having to think about and adjust the mask. The mask does not come naturally, because it is not authentically you, therefore, just existing becomes work. What would happen if you were to accept yourself as you are? What is your nervous system protecting you from when you feel the urge to put the mask on?”-Alli Cravener, Counseling Intern

Local LGBT Therapy Events In St. Petersburg, FL

Come by the Body Electric Yoga  on Saturday, 6/13, from 8:30 am – 1:30 pm for The BE’s Pride Bazaar! Shop, connect, and support LGBTQ+ creators and businesses. Sign up for a Saturday class and enjoy a morning of yoga, conscious commerce, and good vibes- and make sure you stop by our tent for a worksheet we made just for Pride: it uses the symbolism of color and tarot to bring you closer to your authentic self! We hope to see you there! 

 

Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.