Tips For Getting (And Giving!) Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a tricky but unavoidable aspect of human entanglement. Although we are social creatures, we are also independent and self-serving actors without the benefit of a stage. We wind up hurting one another and being hurt by one another as a perpetual theme in our story. If we expect to be successful at this thing called being human, then we must come to understand forgiveness from both sides. 

In order to fully move on, we have to forgive, and in order to move forward with the people we love, we have to be forgiven. 

How Can I Earn Your Forgiveness?

Human beings can cause a lot of hurt without even realizing it. Most of the time we do this in ways that are subtle and mostly affect people we don’t know (not returning shopping carts, making a mess of the public bathroom, climate change) so even if we become aware of it, we probably don’t feel compelled to earn forgiveness from anybody. 

But if we hurt the people we love, whether through our ignorance, immaturity, or inaction, we’ll find ourselves seeking forgiveness. That means putting together a real apology. An effective apology is more than just saying “I’m sorry”, it requires at least the following three components: 

• Active Listening. Before you make your apology, you need to understand what you’re apologizing for. The best way to learn where you’ve gone wrong is by listening to the people you’ve hurt, but you have to do more than just hear the words they’re saying. You must try to empathize with their perspective, and restrict any judgments you might have about what they’re saying. When you’re in the wrong, you have to lead with compassion and leave your ego at the door. 
• Acknowledgement of Wrongdoing. In order to make an effective apology, you have to make it clear that you know what you did that was wrong. This is where that all-too-often cheapened phrase “I’m sorry” comes into the picture, and it’s also where you make an attempt to empathize with why what you did was hurtful. Why you did it is far less important than why you won’t do it again.
• A Promise To Do Different. Making a specific promise to do better is about providing security. This must be done sincerely and followed through to the end. An unkept promise will only damage the situation, but a sincere one will allow you to rebuild trust and accept the past without forgetting it.

“Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion, and it must be sincere to get results.”

• Bill W., Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

How Can You Earn My Forgiveness? 

It’s one thing to be forgiven, and another to forgive. While being forgiven requires things like remorse, humility, and diligence, the act of forgiving involves a different skill set. So what are those skills?

• Authenticity. What they do have in common is sincerity. Forgiveness needs sincerity like a fire needs oxygen. If you try to forgive without authenticity, it may give peace to the person you’re forgiving, but any resentments you have will persist in you. 
• Radical Acceptance. This doesn’t mean forgetting the past, in fact it’s quite the opposite. We don’t have to like something to accept it. Radical acceptance means embracing the past, even when you don’t approve of it. 
• Emotional Intelligence. If you want to rebuild your relationship with someone who has hurt you in the past, you’ll need to foster a sense of emotional intimacy. Although intimacy requires effort on both sides, you will only have control over what you bring to the equation. By contributing to an emotionally intimate environment, you subtly encourage your partner to be intimate in kind. Either of you can plant the seed, but it will take both of you to make it grow.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

When Should I Forgive Someone?

The concept of forgiveness raises a lot of questions. How do you know when someone is worthy of forgiveness? What questions need to be asked and answered? When are you ready to finally let go?

The answers to these questions can be complicated to work out. Each instance of forgiveness is a different challenge to our emotional intelligence. Like untangling the Christmas tree lights we threw in the attic last December, it takes time and thoughtfulness to understand how to forgive someone. Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:

• What Do They Need To Be Forgiven For? 
  • Why did it hurt me? 
  • Could I have done anything differently to avoid being hurt?
  • Could I understand why they might have done it? 
• Have They Apologized? 
  • Are they sincere? 
  • Would they do it again? 
  • What have they done to make up for it? 
• Will You Suffer By Forgiving Them? 
  • What would it take to authentically forgive them?
  • Do you have anything to gain by forgiving them? 
  • Is keeping the relationship important to you? 

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” Oscar Wilde

Where Can I Learn Forgiveness? 

Forgiveness is a necessary skill that we need in order to operate and thrive. We learn bits and pieces in our daily course of living, but the best way to learn anything is by studying with a teacher. If you want to master forgiveness, you need to work with somebody who has expertise in the mental discipline of forgiveness. 

Often the best teachers we have when it comes to mental discipline are our therapists, but you need to find the right teacher for you. We have a team of counselors each with their own special approach to forgiveness. 

• Lauren helps you forgive what’s in the past. She’s an LMHC who can help you untangle the complicated web of love, memory, and trauma so you can finally move forward.
• Quinn helps you forgive yourself. She can help you learn how to be more gentle with yourself and unlock your hidden potential.
• Michael helps you forgive each other. He’s a couples counselor who can help you forgive what’s in the past and let go of it together.

 If you feel stuck on your healing journey, working with a therapist can help. Based on your needs, our intake specialist will help you get matched up with your perfect therapist. Click here to schedule a consultation.

Sunny Ebsary is an educator, multi-modal artist, and writer specializing in the intersection of myth and mental health. Sunny’s writing walks the line between poetic and logical, giving readers a chance to interface with the mind and imagination. Sunny’s been putting pen to paper since he was a child, writing everything from albums, novels, and plays, to essays, interactive games, and of course, many articles! While studying both psychology and writing, he realized his real passion in life was helping others unlock their creative spark. Whether he’s leading a D&D game, directing a production, or diving deep into the brain, you can be sure Sunny will be ushering you toward finding meaning in your life.