Tools for Every Love Language

Everyone has a different way they prefer to give and receive love, depending on their love language. You might find that you relate to all of the love languages, but most people have a primary and secondary love language that they feel fits them the most. Dr Gary Chapman wrote The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, and says that if you really want to have lasting relationships, learning your partners’ love language needs to be your focus. Here is an overview of each love language with tips you can use to connect with your partner and yourself:

Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation are the ways in which you verbally express your love and appreciation for someone else. When words of affirmation are your partner’s primary love language, giving them praise is a sure way to fill up their cup. One thing you want to do when your partner’s love language is words of affirmation is to write them a love letter, including things that you admire about them, and things you have noticed about them over the years. One thing you don’t want to do when your partner’s love language is words of affirmation is insulting or criticizing them in front of other people because words matter to them. That will stay with them for a long time. 

Acts of Service

Acts of service are doing something for your partner that will ease their burdens and responsibilities. They are meaningful, thoughtful gestures that make your partner feel supported and taken care of. When your partner’s love language is acts of service, doing something as small as picking up their favorite snack when you go to the grocery store, helping out with a home improvement project, or running an errand for them. You’ll want to avoid focusing on all the things that they haven’t done and not saying thank you when your partner’s primary love language is acts of service.

Receiving Gifts

Many people are afraid to admit that their love language is receiving gifts because they are worried that it makes them look materialistic. That is not what it means at all! People whose primary love language is receiving gifts feel prioritized when their partner is willing to spend their hard-earned money on them. However, this doesn’t mean you need to buy them expensive gifts. It can be as simple as getting them a card, chocolates, flowers, food, etc. Avoid rubbing it in their face, holding it over them, or threatening to take the gifts back when you are upset with them. This shows your partner that your love is conditional and can be taken away at any moment. 

Quality Time

When someone’s love language is quality time, they are looking doe intentional time spent with their partner. This can be watching a movie, setting up a picnic outside, or going for a walk together–anything that makes them feel like you love them so much that you are able to share valuable time with them. What you want to avoid is promising them time and then taking it away from them. Don’t double book yourself or make your partner feel like you didn’t consider them when their primary love language is quality time. 

Physical Touch

Sex alone will not fill your partner’s cup if their main love language is physical touch. When your partner’s primary love language is physical touch, you could create fractures in your relationship when you physically turn away from them during a disagreement or a fight. Depriving your partner of touch will make them feel abandoned and unloved, causing them to distrust you. Taking their hand in yours or giving them a light touch on the shoulder during a disagreement will help you and your partner stay connected, and will assure them that even though you don’t see eye to eye at that moment, you still love them and care for them. 

Want to know what your love language is? Take the quiz here!

 

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Starting with a creative written voice and a BA in English from ASU, Alli Cravener has become so much more than Integrative Counsel’s voice! Not only is she a writer who is passionate about connecting concepts and content, Alli is also currently a grad student working towards her Master’s in Counseling. She is also the editor-in-chief, office manager, AND intake specialist at Integrative Counsel. When you call us, you’ll talk to Alli! Alli’s interests include painting, history, learning about other people, and wearing the color pink. She likens herself to a “mouse in a palm tree”, and she loves it that way.